He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
