i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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