im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
