a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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