In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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