Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
