Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize