I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
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