Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
