Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
