i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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