I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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