Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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