also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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