So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
