I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
