cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
