She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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