life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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