i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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