we have pet lesbian snakes
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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