Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
