It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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