broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize