I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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