My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Come share oat with me in your robe
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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