I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
