Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize