hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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