When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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