You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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