last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I wear drunk well.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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