I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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