I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
