but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Who died my cat blue again?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
