Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
