kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
