i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
