Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
