He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
