I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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