I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
