If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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