Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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