Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize