He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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