When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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