You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
