3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize