someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Randomize
