This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Randomize
