I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
