I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
