very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
my poor anus
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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