I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
