You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
