I just threw up on my dentist
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
