Don't make out with my wife yet
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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