I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
